Walking at night is good for elevating the heart rate – among other things

My wife and oldest daughter were out walking one evening.  It was getting darker than they wanted, so they quickened their pace.

Then there was the screaming.  A tree frog had jumped onto my wife’s leg.

Clapping with Handcuffs

My 5 year old came running into the room all excited.  He had a string wrapped around his wrist with palms facing each other like praying hands…  “Dad!  I’ve got on handcuffs and I’m clapping!”, as he opened and closed his hands – hinged at the wrist – and ran back out of the room.

[[  Emoticon:  "sarcastic yippee" + "are you crazy?" + "I suddenly feel tired"  -- inserted here.  ]]

Egyptians and dogs and sinners

It’s the title of a new movie my little boys are producing.  I’ll bet it starts out as a drama and turns into an action adventure.

I’ve heard that the project if floundering, however, since they can’t agree on who should play the role of the “Cat”.

Sleepy Rabbit, Take Me Away

Those are the lyrics to the opening stanza of a song that my 17 year old daughter composed, but in so doing pirated a familiar melody.  I’ve heard the song a lot lately, but these ridiculous lyrics are so firmly entrenched in my mind, that I have to think two or three times to figure out what the original lyrics are supposed to be.

Oh yes, now I remember the original words, “We three kings of Orient are…”

K is the 66th letter

“K is the 66th letter”, said my 5 year old at the restaurant we affectionately call “Beans and Rice”.

“What??”, I answered with that ’finally-respond-to-a-pay-attention-to-me-interruption’ tone of voice.

“K is the 66th letter.”, he said.

“What do you mean K is the 66th letter?  K can’t be the 66th letter – there are only 26 in the whole alphabet.”

He pointed at the bottle of hot sauce on the table,  ”K is the 66th letter.”, he repeated, sheepishly now, sensing either increasing risk or the joy of angling.

“WHAT are you talking about??”, I crabbed, having swallowed his bait entirely now.

“K is the 66th letter.”, he said, again pointing at the K on the bottle without any additional context.

“You are NOT just saying that K is the 66th letter on the label on that bottle, are you?!?  Are you crazy??”

He nodded.

I imagine pictures of myself appearing quite often in a gallery of trophies mounted on a wall somewhere with a little plate underneath that says something like, “This was the time he choked on his chips and salsa.”

That’s Refreshment

“Go to the bathroom”, we both said, as parents of a 5 year old who frequently waits too long to do so.

“Why?? – I don’t HAVE to go…”, he protested, as usual, on the way to the facility.  “Oh wait, I guess I did have to go – a LITTLE.”, he added later.

“Well!”, he said, minutes later, “THAT was refreshment!”.

We don’t want to know why or how.  It’s one of those cases where we hope he was just being random.

Kelly of the woods – Chapter 5

I now have two reasons to fear paint ball.  The first is, well, that it is paint ball and my 14 year old son is getting way too good at it. The second is, of course, that Kelly will get me.

We’ve played paint ball back there a few more times – but the weather is turning colder and the good season for outdoor paint ball is over.

One time I wasn’t there when the other guys were playing, and Kelly was, and he thanked one of them for the gift card.  (I had signed the card ‘from the paint ball guys’).  He stays in his tent where it is safe if he is there while we’re playing paint ball.

And, we stay out of his woods where it is safe from, well, the wild turkeys.

But there’s rarely a cold or rainy day where I don’t think about how glad I am to not be living in Kelly’s woods.

Kelly of the woods – Chapter 4

There is a Subway restaurant not far from the woods – so I decided to buy a 20.00 gift certificate, and leave it at Kelly’s tent with a note encouraging him that we wanted to help him get on his feet.  I wanted to deliver the card quickly – but it was getting late in the afternoon and I was also taking care of my 5 and 7 year old boys at the time.

“Hey guys, do you want to go on a walk with Dad out in the woods?”, I asked.

“Sure!  Yay!”, of course, the answered.  Though, the older one who listens to my conversations better than he should was a bit less enthusiastic.

We bought the gift certificate and booked it over to the parking lot by the field by the woods.  We started walking – quickly now – because it was getting that creepy dusky time of day – and while it was still light in the field – I could see ahead that it was already getting dark in the woods.

Plus – we were on a creepy mission to a potentially creepy guy – my mind kept imaging all of the things that could go wrong, and what kinds of exit strategies I could use, and what to do if this or that happened.  All the while, I was hoping Kelly was still at work.

My 7 year old picked up on my tension – he was quieter than usual – and both of us kept telling the 5 year old to hush up and be quite.  He, of course oblivious, was asking about any and every question there was that a little boy could think of in a field or on the way to the woods or about living life in our Solar System.

“Shhhh!!!”, I’d say.” – we’re pretending to be sneaky!”  All the while realizing that being quiet and sneaky was only making the creepiness worse.

We reached the threshold of the woods, and started descending into them – I remember wishing it didn’t go down hill into the woods – but it was creepy.  I strained to see the tent some 100 yards away – and I watched intently for anyone walking in front (or behind!) us.

If there really is a boogie man – I think his name would be Kelly.

Anyway, we’re well established and committed to the woods, when all of a sudden the sounds of a 1000 attack helicopters and locusts from heaven exploded in the tress above us.

If my boys ever try to remember their father as a brave man, I hope this is one occasion which they don’t recall too well.  I’m counting on the fact that they too were, ahem, startled.  As it turns out – the 1000 helicopters was really a half dozen wild turkeys that had roosted in the trees above us, and which we had now flushed out of their perches.

We scampered accross the crick, up the hill to Kelly’s tent, quickly laid the envelope at the door, turned, and hastily fled the woods.

Did you know that even a little kid can get out of breath walking that fast?

Kelly of the woods – Chapter 3

After what seemed like forever (10 minutes) – out came Kelly and the two officers.  They all walked past my vehicle in the parking lot as if I didn’t exist (one of the officers motioned to me that he would be back in a moment).  Then, after Kelly had walked around a nearby building and was out of sight, one of the officers came over and filled me in on the details.

Apparently, Kelly was homeless and was from out of State.  He was working at a nearby restaurant and would move into an apartment he had rented at the first of the month.  The officers said that he could stay in his tent as long as he cleaned it up when he left, and that he would indeed be moving out of the woods in the next two weeks as he had promised.  They assured me that he was harmless, but the also assured me that I had done the right thing in letting them know, and also to let them know if he didn’t move out by the first of November.

I called the other guys that we play paint ball with – we figured that he would think it was us who had reported him – and we didn’t want to frighten him or make an enemy out of him.

So, I decided to bring him a gift…

Kelly of the woods – Chapter 2

A few weeks later a bunch of us came out to play paint ball in the woods again.  This time the little 2 man tent was accompanied by a larger 6 man tent and a camouflaged fly over the top – as well as other camping equipment here and there.  Kelly wasn’t around, but it was obvious that someone was living there and putting down roots.

The woods are also near an elementary school, and the overall creepiness of the situation pressured me to do something – but I didn’t know what.

Another week later, we were in the woods again, and the camp site was obviously active.  I decided to call the police.

It probably scared the neighbors to see two of our city’s finest vehicles parked in front of our house.  The officers and I decided that the best way to address the issue was for me to guide them into Kelly’s woods – so we drove to the area and three of us crossed the field to the entrance of the woods.  I explained the situation and details as we walked.  The officers were quiet, and I noticed that their hand were on the tops of their holsters as we approached the entrance to the darker part of the woods.  It was creepy for me too.

Then, as if on perfect time – there about 50 yards in the woods was Kelly coming toward us.  One of the officers told me quickly – “we’ll see you later at your vehicle.” – and I turned around quickly and exited the woods and walked swiftly to my car and waited.